- guardian.co.uk, Monday December 15 2003 02.48 GMT
When Michelle Sholay and her two young daughters fled her crack-using partner to hide in a women's refuge in Hackney, it was 9.30pm, and they took little more than the clothes on their backs. But once the door closed behind them, they could sleep soundly for the first time in many years.
"He was using so many drugs it was time to get out, he just lost the plot," Michelle says. "I had to just leave with what I had; but that was the best sleep that me and the kids had ever had. It was nice just to be at peace, not to have the grief."
She was given a safe place to stay, and more importantly a network of people to listen to and support her, by the Nia Project, which has been helping women escape domestic violence since it was set up as Hackney Women's Aid in 1975.
Michelle didn't think she was an abused woman. Her partner of 13 years had threatened her, stolen some of her belongings and had even managed to get hold of a gun. When she fled with the girls he went to her sister's house and kicked the door in - but he had never hit her. "I believed you had to be beaten black and blue to be abused," she says.
Over time, though, she had been ground down and left frightened and depressed. "You start to doubt yourself, and start to believe what he's saying. I lost my identity along the way. You're trying to please him, and it's 'look at you, who's going to want you?' And you've constantly got this long face."
When she called the Nia Project, at the suggestion of the police, and told them she was scared about what would happen if her partner was given bail, they offered her a place at one of their six refuges across Hackney and Haringey, in north-east London. "By being in the refuge I've found the real me," she says.
Finding somewhere safe to stay for women who are in danger, often with their children, is a crucial part of what the Nia Project does.
"Nia is a Swahili word which means 'purpose'," says Marai Narisi, who runs the project from a tiny office in the heart of Hackney. Nia also stands for "Networking, information, advocacy, accommodation", reflecting the fact that Ms Narisi and her colleagues do much more for women like Michelle than take them away from their abusers.
At its drop-in centre in Dalston, which was opened by Sinéad O'Connor in 1998, the Nia Project offers legal advice to women who need help with divorce, with taking out an injunction against an abusive partner, and so on. It hopes soon to be certificated so that the two solicitors it employs can take on cases for clients who are entitled to legal aid.
Through outreach projects in the community, Nia's 30 staff and nine volunteers also counsel victims of abuse who are not ready to leave their partners or their homes.
"It's about not using matriarchal, Mother Teresa approach. Women might come along several times until they make that decision to come into a refuge," Ms Narisi says.
The Nia Project offers assistance to many women within their home area. That can help to minimise the disruption domestic violence causes their lives, by allowing women to be near their friends and family and letting their children stay in the same schools.
"We work with women around their sense of safety," Ms Narisi says. "A woman might have her abusive husband imprisoned, for example, but she doesn't feel safe going back into her property."
There is a strong sense solidarity here - of women helping other women to survive their experiences, and come through them stronger.
Each resident in a refuge has a "key worker", who can give advice on housing, legal issues, and benefits. "Having someone to listen to you is the most important thing," says Michelle, who progressed to counselling other women once she had been in the refuge for a while and has since taken a counselling course. She now works for another women's aid group.
After her 13 months in the refuge, Michelle was helped find a flat for her and the two girls. Jacynta, who is now 13, helps regularly at the Nia Project's play schemes for the children of abused women.
"She has blossomed so much from coming into the refuge; it's enriched her so much," Michelle says. "Yes, when she gets older, there's going to be some questions, but as long as I'm honest and I value her opinion, we'll be fine."
Most importantly, she has been able to recover her self-esteem, and - still only 29 - look forward. "Life goes on. I'm not settling for second best, and that's what it's all about at the end of the day."
Facts of fear
· 60% of women who leave violent relationships fear that they or their children will be killed
· Women are at greatest risk of homicide at the point of separation or after leaving a violent partner
· In 2000/01, 42% of all female homicide victims were killed by current or former partners in England and Wales, compared with 4% of male homicide victims
· Two women a week are killed by partners or former partners
