- guardian.co.uk, Sunday November 16 2003 01.21 GMT
- The Observer, Sunday November 16 2003
Give or take a few dimpled buttocks and plump thighs encased in PVC, the crowds browsing the whip and rubber stalls could have been attending a paperclip convention.
Not that anyone was having their boundaries tested or their tolerance tried by the range of erotica on offer. Instead of unleashing a wave of wild fantasy, the sanitised commercialism made the convention's once-risqué name a complete misnomer.
'Part of me wanted to feel like I was going underground but this is completely mainstream,' said poet and writer Benjamin Zephaniah, who had just popped in after finishing recording Loose Ends for Radio 4 nearby.
'I guess it's symbolic of what's happening in this country: we want to take our clothes off and talk about our sexuality but we can't think outside the constraints of commercialism so this is the sort of weak, bland compromise we end up with.'
As the M&S-clad crowds browsed calmly in the S&M stalls, serious young salesmen in suits explained the virtues of different vibrators to demure Japanese couples.
Across from the Swingers Club stall, pale young men with acne made limp attempts at salesmanship, despite looking as though they had yet to experience their first girlfriend let alone mastermind the micro-management of a selection of partners.
'I wouldn't call this inspiring,' said 83-year-old Basil Leaning sadly, holding up a leopardskin furry whip ('Quality Leaves Its Mark' boasted its packaging). 'I'm into rubber diapers and things like that,' he added, 'where's the excitement here? Where's the sense of naughtiness?'
As heavily-jowled paunchy men in Barbours calmly mulled over the range of sex swings ('Easily Fitted Onto Every Ceiling!'), their partners cooed over black rubber teddy bears jauntily perched atop bondage crucifixes.
'How is this sexy?' asked one tightly corseted vixen with tattooed breasts, disdainfully pointing to a stripped-pine headboard neatly carved with the order to 'Punish Me Now'.
Her partner, all rubber spikes and lacerated leather, sneered: 'I feel like I've had a cold shower,' he said. 'If you're looking for nookie tonight, honey, you're sadly mistaken.'
