- The Observer,
- Sunday August 6 2006
1. 'Boyfriend' jeans
The clue is in the name. Baggy and shapeless, these are designed to recall the masculine figure, and come as a crashing disappointment to men who just got nicely used to the idea of women in skintight drainpipes again.
2. Woolly tights
Black opaque we can just about handle - they could almost be stockings, couldn't they? - but those grey or brown numbers are a nasty reminder that there's a long, cool, wool-gussetted autumn around the corner.
3. Over-the-knee socks
For all but the most dedicated perverts, and the Japanese, school-uniform fantasies went out with the Benny Hill Show . This playground wear looks both odd and old-fashioned, although the £150 price tag for the Prada version is almost futuristic.
4. Ankle boots
Great in theory, supposedly turning every woman into a sex-pixie like Kate or Sienna. In practice, they offer all the discomfort of the stiletto shoe and the high-heeled boot without the flesh-exposing or calf-firming benefits of either.
5. Long, shapeless, 'tabard' jumpers
Ew, if you will pardon the lapse into female parlance - the clue is in the name again. The only people who wear tabards are dinner ladies and members of Tenpole Tudor (younger readers - ask your dad). And, if you hadn't gathered by now, 'shapeless' is never going to be a man's favourite look.
6. Leggings
A foundation garment crossed with a chastity belt. Women think they are 'forgiving'. Men think they are 'impregnable'.
7. Leggings under skirts or dresses
As above, only worse, because this look destroys the only advantage of leggings, which is to make your bottom look better.
8. Bare legs
For all that's wrong with the new season's legwear, bare flesh once the temperature has slipped below about 20 degrees is like wearing a T-shirt that says 'northern slag'.
9 . Sensible, round-toed shoes
Lord, we've just got through what seems like centuries of pavement-slapping flip-flops and ickle-cutesy ballet slippers - when, oh when, will the pointy shoe be in vogue again?
10. Winter boots
We wouldn't mind seeing you in something high-laced and Lara Croft-y, but no, it's going to be something that looks like a sheep turned inside out, or overspill from the Sesame Street costume department.
11 . Winter coats
Given a chance to look like Lara from Dr Zhivago or any of the trench-coated heroines of the 1940s, why is it most women opt for adult versions of the big-buttoned, brightly coloured coats of their childhood? The murderous dwarf from Don't Look Now is not, repeat not, a fashion icon.
12. Any scarf, the purpose of which is primarily warming rather than aesthetic
Bad enough on its own, but if twinned with any form of 'kooky' headgear - a little cap or a beret, say - it makes you look like a screaming neurotic.
13. Hoods
You think they are cute. They are horrible. The same goes for capes.
14. Comfort
Once the nights start drawing in that awful sweater with the ice-cream stains down the front is going to make an appearance on the sofa, isn't it?
15. Indifference
What really galls men about the new season's fashions, of course, is that once summer is over, you start dressing for yourselves again, rather than for us.
