- The Observer, Sunday March 11 2007
Her story
Jo Kingston, 36, is a secretary for the London Zoo. She lives in Edgware and is currently single. She had a three-and-a-half year relationship with Lee Stephen between 1995 and 1999.
I was working for the BBC 11 years ago, and a few staff from our department got together for drinks with a crowd from the Home Office. That's how I met Lee.
There was an instant spark. He was very handsome, easy to talk to and incredibly charismatic. He said he was on the verge of splitting with his wife. I was sceptical, but when I left the bar he rushed after me and said he wanted to see me again, once he'd sorted things out. We exchanged numbers and kept in touch.
Lee had a holiday booked with his wife and they separated straight after. A week later, we kissed at Embankment tube station. We saw lots of each other after that and had a passionate relationship. Alarm bells started ringing about a month later. The emotional fallout Lee experienced over his divorce was something I, perhaps naively, never expected. He kept phoning his ex-wife and I overheard some very emotional conversations which made me completely insecure. The divorce came through after a year and contact with his wife slowed, but I was still clingy and jealous, which pushed him away.
At around the same time, I suspected he was seeing someone else. He invited me on a work night out and one of his female colleagues behaved very strangely towards me. I thought I was being paranoid, but Lee was still distancing himself from me and occasionally I'd answer his phone and the caller would hang up. Whenever I confronted him, he dismissed me saying: 'We're not having this conversation.' I became more suspicious and even searched the bins for evidence, but there was nothing except a screwed-up phone number.
I moved in with Lee just until I found a place of my own. Not long after, Lee's work colleague rang and announced they'd been seeing each other, on and off, for 18 months. She said the affair was over and I could 'have him back now'. I called Lee at work, absolutely fuming, and he rushed home in tears. We'd booked a holiday to New York and I decided to go. Time away helped, but when we returned I was more insecure than ever, winding myself up whenever he went out.
When I finally found my own place I was relieved because I knew it would ease the pressure; but also worried that moving out would herald the end of our relationship. I'd only been in my new house a week when Lee sat me down and said he wanted a break. I knew, deep down, our relationship was beyond repair, but clung onto the hope he'd want me back.
I was on an emotional rollercoaster for months; angry and upset, moping around the house, waiting. We maintained phone contact but there was no indication if and when Lee would make his mind up. I started dating someone at work, and when I told Lee he was shocked. He suddenly wanted to try again, but I decided to resist. Lee wrote me letters and even proposed at one point. It was tempting, but I knew I'd get hurt again and we were better off as friends.
My new relationship lasted five years, but it was a rebound and I struggled to trust him after Lee's infidelity. I've had phases of wondering what it would be like to be with Lee again, but I've accepted that while he's a brilliant friend who has helped me through some very tough times, he's a lousy boyfriend. I've been single for a couple of years and would like to settle down again, but if I meet someone, I'll give him time to get over past relationships, with plenty of understanding.
His story
Lee Stephen, 45, from East London, works in middle management for the Home Office. He has no children, has been married once and was with Jo Kingston for three and a half years. Lee has recently started a new relationship.
When I met Jo, I hadn't completely said goodbye to my wife, but my marriage had been in difficulty for a long time. My wife wanted to move near her family in the West Midlands and I'd resolved to stay in London. We were heading towards an inevitable separation, but were still living together, and the guilt I felt as a result doomed my relationship with Jo.
I didn't look for an affair. I was desperately sad about the breakdown of my marriage, which lasted five years, and meeting a vivacious and attractive person like Jo took me by surprise and I fell head over heels. I didn't wait until I'd sorted things out with my wife, which was a big mistake.
The first year of our relationship was the best. The chemistry was so right. We spoke regularly and saw each other as often as possible. We both loved the outdoors and Jo was warm, friendly and generous - I loved being around her.
When the first flush of romance and excitement died down, I experienced a huge wave of guilt. I felt despondent about the way I'd behaved at the end of my marriage and had many regrets. I wished I could go back and do things differently. These overwhelming feelings of remorse were very difficult for Jo to deal with. I distanced myself from her emotionally and spent a lot of time thinking about my ex wife.
It took me two years to get over the end of my marriage. Jo and I were still together, but I was working late nights and weekends when I didn't need to because I couldn't face her. Jo was in a foul mood because of my emotional problems and our relationship felt like it was breaking down, even though she was moving in with me temporarily while looking for a home in London.
When I started seeing a work colleague my relationship with Jo was already in its death throes, but I didn't think about the affair in terms of my own repeating pattern of behaviour. It was a very casual and occasional affair which suited me and the woman I was seeing. Looking back, I was trapped in a cycle of starting and ending relationships on the wrong foot. I hadn't learned my lesson at all. Jo had her suspicions and her paranoia put more pressure on me, pushing me further away. I don't know if she was going through my pockets, but I wouldn't be surprised.
When she found out about the affair she was understandably hurt and angry. We tried to work things out but the die had been cast. We struggled on for a few more months, but Jo felt too bitter about my affair and all the trust was gone.
I thought my problems would be answered by a new relationship, and after finishing with Jo I jumped straight into a significant romance. Although I'd met another lovely person, I was still dealing with my own issues and it ended in failure again.
I finally realised that I needed time on my own to sort myself out and spent two years being single. Over that time, my friendship with Jo blossomed. I'd kept in touch with her because I still cared and wanted her to play a role in my life - the kind of person anyone would want as a friend. I wish we'd just been friends from the start.
There's no one else to blame for the collapse of our relationship; it was all to do with me. I was in the wrong place emotionally and I regret the pain, mistrust and negative feelings I caused Jo.
I recently started seeing someone new and I'm bringing all my experience and history along - not as baggage, but to guide me through.
