- guardian.co.uk, Sunday July 15 2001 18.01 BST
Great day, eh? I can't tell you what's been worst, the back, the Test or the shoeing yours truly has had out here for what I wrote on Friday morning. Let me just start with that last thing, will you? I know I should be telling you about how a great bunch of lads are absolutely gutted - and they are - but have I been rolled over in the Australian papers or what?
How long have I been saying my bits and bobs? Six weeks? You know me. I have a little rant and a pop at this and that, but the way it comes back as quotes in these Aussie papers you'd think I'd rounded up every baby kangaroo in the land and drowned them in front of a class of orphans.
I've had it with Australia. Not had it as in I never want to come back here again. I do. In an England shirt. And so does Iain Balshaw. We want to come back so much it hurts. The World Cup in 2003 can't come soon enough.
But I don't really care about what the Aussies think. They can't even write these things themselves. They just copy what we do, take out the smile and use it as a hammer against us. They can shout as loud as they like about how proud they are to be Aussies. Well, other people are proud to be what they are as well. And not everything in this part of the world is so bloody marvellous. Like their newspapers, for starters.
By the way, you know me and that bloke Justin Harrison? Well, he played well, didn't he? Really well. Of course, he had a pop at Martin Johnson which probably wasn't the brightest thing he could do. He was probably looking for me again.
I wasn't there. I thought I had a stitch on Wednesday, but by Friday it had turned into back trouble. They gave me as long as they could to prove my fitness but on Saturday morning I went for a scan and they said I had a bulging disc.
A lot of my friends back home had got in touch to tell me that the time had come to take to the big stage and do something different. Like win the Test, I suppose. Well, it's been different all right. So, right now, I'm on Valium and red wine. The lads are in a heap. They were so motivated and dedicated before the game. They all knew how much it would take and they were so ready to give it that one last blast. But it wasn't to be. They've been a great bunch. The supporters have been a great bunch. It just wasn't meant to be. Donal Lenihan came in at the end and was very emotional. The lads gave him a big hand. We knew where he was coming from.
What do you do after a tour like this? We've had our heads so deep inside this tour that it's difficult to think straight. If I think of relaxing or going on holiday or doing anything that doesn't require a rugby ball or a tackle bag, I start to twitch. I must get through this. To be honest, right now I think the best thing I can do is get away from newspapers for a while. Sorry, I don't suppose I should be saying that in a newspaper.
Could we have won the series? Of course. One decision here, one there. We were one converted try away from glory at the end. Just for a moment I had visions of the ACT Brumbies game and thought we might do it again.
And what happens now? I suppose we're going to have to be strait-laced from now on. There's bound to be a reaction to people like me telling you what it's like on one of these tours. I don't think the management were afraid of what you read about us back home, but of how it gets twisted when it comes back to this land of other people's ideas. Land of free speech? They're champions of propaganda.
So, from now on, you might have to put up with my stiff upper lip. I promise you, it's not quite the same as my normal lip. We'll have to wait and see. I can't think further ahead at the moment than the next Valium. No, the next drop of red. And if any of you see me, please don't talk to me about rugby for a while. And don't mention Australia. Not yet anyway. I'll tell you when it's time for normal service to resume when I send Justin Harrison a card to say 'well played'.
No, I mean it. I might just do it. In fact I'll say it again right here and now. Well played Justin me old mate and plod. The chances of that being reprinted in Oz are zilch. Please, somebody, take me home.
