Bar protocol

Bars are not swimming pools. We don't need signs telling us not to spit or engage in horseplay. We know that heavy petting is frowned upon, with the notable exception of New Year's Eve, when there may be prizes for it. We are aware that bringing your own selection of filled baps and hot snacks is considered bad manners, as is pointing out that there is no toilet paper in the gents or being sick before you are safely on public transport.

So it's not rocket science: you turn up with a decent thirst, you try and look as if you don't live in a caravan, you don't stand in front of someone trying to watch the football - mate - and you get your round in.

Understandably this last bit - the social equivalent of pyramid selling - requires a touch of fine-tuning, much of which comes after your first experience of leaving yourself without any money for the bus home. The best drink of the day may be the one straight after work but it can also be the most financially ruinous. So if there's a big group of you, don't get to the bar first. There's no shame involved. It's not as if you need to reveal yourself as a cheapskate by lagging behind and pretending to tie your shoelace - merely adopt the time-honoured method of sprinting to the door and then holding it open for everyone else. If there are just two or three of you, by all means insist on getting the first round in but for goodness sake hurry up. Others will shortly start arriving and a round is not over until the fat lady gives you your change, by which time there might not be any.

Be sure to cajole, flirt and flatter to get your department head to come along. Not only is it officially their job to buy everyone a drink, but they always leave the minute they've glugged theirs down to rush off somewhere less intimidating. If they do stay for a second drink, they'll almost certainly want to buy everyone a third for being made to feel popular for the first time that week.

The only other basic plank of drinking protocol is that the barman is always right. Obviously this doesn't extend to his short-changing habit or his taste in jewellery or his dubious personal hygiene; just that if you do have a complaint, keep it to yourself. You buy a glass of wine in a pub, what do you expect? So, the beer's flat - it's the middle of August. And don't ask why they always put your paper napkin under your toasted sandwich. They just do.

In return, the barman will try to conceal his contempt when you try to attract his attention by waving a £5 note at him, and overlook your stupidity when you conclude your 14-drink order with three pints of Guinness. And you never know your luck - he might even allow a spot of light snogging.