- guardian.co.uk, Sunday December 16 2001 00.38 GMT
- The Observer, Sunday December 16 2001
What got me was that I'd committed a fundamental error. How could I validly talk about enlightened parenting? Enlightened fathering maybe, but the difference between the two (mother and father roles) is huge. I have three sons myself, or rather they have me. True, I didn't have to do anything very clever to 'get' them - they and their mums did most of the work. But I did play a significant role in all of their 'upbringings' if only by injecting large doses of 'maverickness' into the mix on a regular basis. They survived my input and have all grown up to be kings among men.
So with all clumsy attempts at false modesty over with, I have to admit I did a fantastic job. But why talk about it now?
When we talk about the human race evolving we usually think of just ourselves and how we each of us will hopefully evolve into ever more rounded people, giving and receiving optimally as we waltz merrily along the 'great thoroughfare'. However, the real drama unfolds generationally. Every new generation that comes of age, does so more prepared and self-developed than the one before. Hence, directly or indirectly, this issue of how we raise our children affects everyone.
Following in the august footsteps of Frederick Leboyer, I became very involved in the spread of baby massage in the UK in the early 80s, working alongside Yehudi Gordon, the likewise maverick and too-popular-for-words gynaecologist and original proponent of natural birth in this country.
I had the privilege of teaching thousands of mothers and fathers over a period of a few years how to chill their newborn babies (sounds gastronomic, I know) and was able to monitor the results as those babies grew up into the young adults they are today. And I've noticed that there's a definite unique strain of physical confidence discernable in all of them who were massaged or hands-on healed as they went through the various (painful) stages of growing up.
I mention massage as it's one of the most effective ways for a guy to bond with his kid. Massage also communicates intelligence and kindness to your child. It need only be very light, often not moving at all, just placing a warm hand over the lower back to relax the kidneys, or sometimes gently pressing with fingertips around the belly in a clockwise direction to ease or prevent colic. Another good thing to do is to walk around holding the baby upright with its back against your chest and upper abdomen. This gives it a nice view of the world while still feeling safe and cared for.
But the most crucial thing of all is respect. When a new baby comes through the shute, it comes fresh from the creative source itself and is brimming with pure wisdom which has nothing to do with temporal experience. So, rather than talking in baby-language as if the baby is an idiot, talk gently, yet in the same tones as you would use with another adult - with respect, in other words.
Always remember that babies, though much tougher than people think, are also extremely sensitive to energy, much like cats. So, if your energy is brusque, the baby's sensitivities will be challenged. Always be sensitive and soft in your dealings with your child, without ever being soppy. Never lie. If there's one relationship that must be kept free from lies, it's this one. As soon as you lie to your child, you undermine their entire fabric of trust forevermore. Lying to children is what later keeps therapists in business, and moreover turns them into liars (the children, I mean, not necessarily the therapists). This extends to when you pretend you're OK when in fact you're falling apart at the seams. Children are not reassured by your pretence. They would feel much safer if you showed your vulnerability. This does not, however, mean you should dump your 'stuff' on them and expect them to make it better for you as many parents do. That's unfair. Remember, your kids owe you nothing.
Finally, and this applies to dealing with all babies, not just your own, babies of all ages from zero to 90 and above (everyone in other words) don't think you owe them an obligation to be right (about anything). Children don't need you to be right all the time to feel safe around you - they just need you to be real.
Your letters
Dear Barefoot Doctor, I am currently undergoing chemotherapy. Is there anything I can do to protect my kidneys during this time as I recently heard that the treatment could damage them. Yours,
Marie-Christine
Order some Pao d'acco from Neals Yard remedies and drink three strong cups of tea made from it every day. Also massage your kidneys with fists 18 times in each direction three times a day and make sure you keep them warm day and night.
Dear Barefoot, I have been experiencing periods of spasmodic pain in my lower left-hand side over my ovaries. It comes in blocks of several weeks on and several weeks off. It worsens when lying down - to the degree that I cannot lie on my left-hand side in bed for the pain. Tests for ovarian cysts have proved negative. Now, the third doctor I have consulted has told me it is a spastic colon/IBS. She said the pain is directly related to constipation and stress and prescribed anti-spasmodic drugs. I stopped having periods when I was 19 and only have them if I take certain types of the pill (which I haven't taken for over a year). Could this be related? Please withhold my surname if you print this. Many, many thanks,
Lou
It sounds like there's an energy blockage around the ovary that needs clearing. An acupuncturist would probably stimulate your 'belt channel' - among other things - which would help a lot, but also more 'etheric' style healing such as reiki or even craniosacral therapy may work to trigger the menstrual cycle into being again.
