- guardian.co.uk, Sunday August 11 2002 01.04 BST
- The Observer, Sunday August 11 2002
1. Hold an Elvis party. Serve foot-long, deep-fried sandwiches. If someone complains of chest pains, say, 'Hey, that's how Elvis died!'
2. When someone says he was once so cute but, under the influence of the Colonel, ended up a haggard megalomaniac, reply, 'I didn't know Alastair Campbell had been in the army.'
3. To anyone who expresses strong anti-hunting views, sneer: 'You ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine!'
4. When a fan says, 'He was such a colourful character,' say: 'Yes, he was a redneck who stole the blues from the blacks to sell to the whites.'
5. If some know-all points out that, 'On American TV they only showed him from the waist up,' reply: 'Of course you can see all of him now that tellies are bigger.'
6. Someone back from Graceland asks who the plot next to Elvis's grave is for. Say: 'He wanted to be near Shakin' Stevens.'
7. If anyone comments, 'The King avoided England because he didn't feel properly appreciated, say, "Well he shouldn't have abdicated and run off with that American tart then, should he?"'
8. When a fan says, 'He was so generous - if you fancied a car you'd find one outside your door the next day,' shrug and tell them: 'My cab firm can do it in 15 minutes.'
