- The Observer, Sunday May 14 2006
1. At the first hint of sun you will drink too much at an outdoor table of the nearest hostelry. On returning to work you will be asked to do something fearfully complicated by your boss, who will also look at you funnily.
2. You will go to an alfresco party wearing a summer dress, then spend the evening saying, 'I'm f-f-f-fine' while twitching a tiny cardigan tighter around your quivering shoulders.
3. You will buy a new wardrobe and on the way home 45 per cent of it will magically transform into unwearable rags that make you look fat.
4. If under 35, you will go to an outdoor concert of a new band on the basis of one song of theirs you really, really liked, and be disappointed.
5. If over 35, you will go to an outdoor concert by a band from your youth (who have reunited for the money) and you will be disappointed.
6. If over 60, you will go to an outdoor classical concert and it will rain and you will be disappointed.
7. You will book a holiday abroad to coincide with the two warmest weeks ever in this country's history.
8. You will get panda eyes from your sunglasses.
9. You will buy lots of magazines because of the crap free gifts on the front (beach bags, sunglasses).
10. Shortly before your holiday you will make the common mistake of believing that a male colleague wants to hear about your bikini-wax.
11. Oh, and if you do your own bikini line, it will end up looking like Hitler. Or Travis Bickle, Robert De Niro's character in Taxi Driver
12. You will experiment disastrously with one of the following: fake tan; glittery sun lotion; lemon juice in hair.
13. After your holiday you will be briefly convinced you're going to give up work and become a windsurfing instructor/driftwood jeweller/love slave of a snake-hipped waiter.
14. You will become convinced that in future you will read more serious books and watch less rubbish TV.
15. You will forget to shave the backs of your legs.
