Dear Keir: When you’re prime minister, you have 70 million backseat drivers

Hullo Britain. Congratulations on making it to the end of 2025! And what a year it’s been – the first full year of a Labour government since 2009. Did I bring about the “change” my manifesto promised? Let’s not focus on that. The new year is no time for self-reflection. In any case, I have your questions to be getting on with...

Dear Keir, my in-laws criticise me to the extent that I dread their visits. How do I protect my mental health without creating family drama?

Hester, Matlock

Well, Hester, I know a thing or two about dealing with criticism. When you’re prime minister, you have 70 million backseat drivers telling you what to do. Everyone’s a critic, and their reviews of The Keir Starmer Show have been scathing. Are there valid points amid the tsunami of abuse? Perhaps, but it would take too much energy to sift them out. I ignore the haters and stay on my sensible, centrist path.

I suggest you do likewise. When the in-laws take you to task, don’t engage with anything they say. Just repeat the same justifications again and again, with a gormless look on your pink slab of a face. They will no doubt respect your stolidity, or at least despair of getting a human response. Through the disciplined application of this technique (a sort of weaponised inertia), I’ve acquired a reputation for being both stubborn and rudderless. I may not know what I stand for, but I won’t be moved.

Except, of course, when I do move (Pip, winter fuel, taxing farmers). On such occasions, my default is to lash myself to the mast, march my troops to the top of the hill, and then, at the point of maximum humiliation, cave to my backbenchers. You should be fine, though – in-laws can’t kick you out of office.

Dear Keir, at dinner parties, my husband routinely challenges people on political issues. He insists these are “robust debates”, but they feel like arguments. Am I being oversensitive?

Xanthe, Wrexham

Xanthe, I more than understand. I’m open about my distaste for politics, from vote-grubbing at election time to Punch and Judy PMQs. What’s the point of it all? Wouldn’t it be better if qualified blokes could sort things out in peace? I don’t want politics impinging upon what matters – footie, pints down the pub, tandoori salmon with the fam. The last thing I need is for my kids to ask what I’m doing about climate change or Gaza.

As far as I’m concerned, political views are something to keep to yourself – and that’s if you have them in the first place. I’ll tell anyone who’ll listen that I’m an ideology-free zone. I may be a former director of public prosecutions, but I’m no fan of convictions! Upon becoming prime minister, I stood outside No 10 and declared that mine would be “a government unburdened by doctrine”. Sounds good, right? Like a car unburdened by a steering wheel. Imagine how fast it could go!

Anyway, your husband is clearly a Corbyn-style ideologue. He’s the kind who ruins parties, whether political or dinner. You should waste no time telling him to BMK – Be More Keir. When I’m at a soirée, I confine myself to the smallest of small talk, with occasional discussion of football or legal minutiae. By following my example, he, too, can be the life and soul.

Dear Keir, I recently got my dream job, but it turns out I’m crap at it. Everyone thinks I’m a waste of space, and it’s making me miserable. I’ll probably be sacked sometime in May. Should I quit and preserve a shred of dignity?

Craig, Bloxwich

No.

And there you have it! My final column of 2025. Looking ahead, I can promise the country a fresh start: new year, new Keir. In the past, I had pledges, foundations, missions, milestones. None of those really took, so now I have three resolutions:

1. Find the economic growth button that’s hidden somewhere in No 10.

2. Adopt a dynamic comms strategy to get my ideas across.

3. Figure out what my ideas are.

4. Stop banging on about my father's profession (he was a toolmaker).

Readers can judge me on them next December, at which point I will absolutely, positively still be PM.

Yours enduringly,

Keir xxx