Dear Keir: Xi doesn’t worry about backbenchers or rude questions from Beth Rigby

I’m in China this week I was in China last week, on one of my rare foreign jaunts. I’ve been standing up to the CCP, asserting the value of human rights and asking very nicely for a trade deal. After all, I did sign off on that Bond villain lair by Tower Bridge.

It’s fascinating how things work over here. While I’m staunchly pro-democracy, I get the appeal of never having to justify yourself to voters. Xi Jinping doesn’t worry about backbench rebellion or rude questions from Beth Rigby. Maybe that’s why China’s a superpower and we can’t build HS2.

Frankly, I’m happy to escape my rainy, complain-y country. Supporters of Andy Burnham are mutinous after the “King in the North” experienced a Red Wedding at the NEC. For my part, I wanted nothing more than to welcome Andy back to Westminster. It’s just that Labour can’t risk fighting a mayoral byelection. Why is the party so weak that we’re in danger of losing Greater Manchester? I’d love to explain, but it’s time for your questions.

Dear Keir, I’m trapped in a loveless, dysfunctional marriage. I recently met someone new – should I make the jump?

Marion, Trowbridge

No, absolutely not. I’m sorry to be harsh, Marion, but you made a commitment. You gave your man a vote of confidence – you can’t just throw that away. So what if he’s distant or inattentive to your needs? Perhaps he’s focused on more important things, like travelling the world or appearing on Matt Forde’s podcast. And who cares about your occasional disagreements? You might be centre-left, while he’s indistinguishable from David Cameron. Is that really a problem? If anything, it adds frisson to the relationship.

Anyway, do you think swapping one partner for another is going to magically solve your problems? Just because this new bloke is – I don’t know – popular, good at his job, vaguely progressive? Maybe he rocks a smart-casual, blazer-over-T-shirt look. Maybe his long black eyelashes lend him an air of sensuality. That’s no reason for you to go running into the bastard’s arms (or, as he’d say, “bass-tad”).

It’s just occurred to me that there are parallels between your situation with your husband and mine with the Labour party. You should follow my MPs’ example and learn to settle. We have our issues, but we’re staying together for the kids (the British public).

Dear Keir, I get the impression my company wants me out the door. Should I fight for my hard-won position or just accept the inevitable?

Jocasta, Clovelly

Hi Jocasta, sorry to hear you’re in a tough spot. It must be terrible to work long and hard to get a particular job, only for everyone to decide you’re not up to it. I can scarcely imagine.

Still, ask yourself two questions: am I doing something I truly believe in? And am I making a positive difference? If the answer to either is no, then quit. Why subject yourself to all that pain and indignity? You could cling on for a few more months, but what’s the point?

That said, it’s perfectly legitimate to drag your heels out of pride and spite. Or because your sinister Irish adviser wants to stay in post.

Anyway, I should get back to negotiations. Not with President Xi – with my MPs, to avert a civil war. I accept that colleagues fear I’m handing the country to Nigel Farage.

In my defence, there’s a good chance Reform fumbles it. More and more, the party resembles a bargain bin of shop-soiled Tories. Fair play to Nigel: anyone who’d have Suella Braverman in his cabinet is a braver man than me.

Then there’s their candidate for the Gorton and Denton byelection. Matt Goodwin, an academic turned culture warrior, combines the look of a ventriloquist’s dummy with the irksome nasality of… well, me. Let’s hope this Goodwin suffers a bad loss (wordplay). If Labour is trounced, so be it. At least we put our second-best foot forward.

Yours selflessly,

Keir xxx

P.S. While in Beijing, I learned to say “my dad was a toolmaker” in Mandarin (wô fùqīn cóngqián zuò gōngjù jiàng). I tried it out on Xi, but I must have messed up the tones, because he didn’t seem impressed.