I was beginning to think I was past it, but the rains over the Amazon have made me young again, at least for a while. I’ve had a long life and tasted considerable fulfilment; I’d begun to feel that a graceful and contented decline was the way forward. But there I was, once again the terror of the rainforest, at least for a night.
Monday
I’m not the heaviest beetle on the planet, not quite. But I’m certainly the longest: a good seven inches if you count my weaponry. And you ignore my weaponry at your peril. I’m also the strongest insect that was ever hatched: and I don’t mean my species, I mean me personally. I can lift 100 times my bodyweight: not a shred of exaggeration.
If there’s a receptive female around there’s always going to be more than one Hercules hoping for her favours
Tuesday
Sorry. That sounded rather vainglorious. Inviting the chastisement of hubris. But I’m really rather full of myself right now: triumphant in Herculean combat and relishing my reward in the shape of a round and shapely female: more of a Hebe beetle rather than a Hercules in my view.
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Wednesday
That rather prominent armament of mine is something the Hebes don’t possess. It’s not for catching prey; it’s not for survival at all. It’s for battling with my own kind. I thrive on rotten fruit: you don’t need to be a warrior to subdue such stuff. But you need to be a warrior and a half if you’re to become an ancestor, and I think I can say at this late stage that I’ve accomplished that very nicely.
Thursday
Here’s how you do it. If there’s a receptive female around there’s always going to be more than one Hercules hoping for her favours. So we fight for her. We males approach each other head on: en garde! Then we seek a good grip and, at the same time, seek to deceive the attempted grip of the adversary. Look for the opening, wait for it, recognise the moment and then go all in. If you miss, forget pride and withdraw, keep your weapons high, and try again.
Friday
I was really good that night. Sorry to go on about it, but it was probably my last time. It’s not all about strength. It’s about weakness too. The weakness of your opponent: feeling for it, finding it, taking advantage of it. I got behind the bugger’s guard, seized him in a crossways grip that encompassed his entire body, lifted him high above my head and then I body-slammed the bastard on his back. Victory by ippon, as judo fighters say. Hebe was rightly impressed and we did everything necessary to make more Hercules beetles.
Saturday
In my larval days I was a massive eating machine weighing a quarter-pound. Who would have thought that someone as handsome and mighty as me would spring from such a beast? It’s been great. More than that, I’ve been great. Now the rain falls, the jungle echoes with life, I look back on a long and eventful life and wonder: do I have one more battle in me?
Hercules beetle CV
Lifespan two years as a larva, about six months as Hercules
Eating habits rotting wood as larva, rotting fruit as Hercules
Hobbies combat
Sexual preferences Hebe
Photograph by Alamy